I found a picture from 2017 of me holding our 4th foster child while he slept. A flood of emotions and senses bowled me over. I remembered the weight of him. I remembered how his thick curly hair smelled, and I could feel its texture under my chin. I could feel the deep warm breaths that whispered on my shoulder as he slept. I remembered the drool on my neck, and the sticky fingers on my arm, holding me tightly.
These all hit at once, and so visceral was my response to this picture that I audibly gasped, held my breath, and then the tears began to pour.
It has been 5 and a half years since I held this child in my arms. 5 and a half years since I laid an eye on him. 5 and a half years since I knew he was safe.
I shared with some friends who didn’t know me during that time, who never knew our sweet boy, and one of them said that she missed those moments with her own children when they were babies, but at least she could go give them a hug now, because they are still with her. And I sat with that and marinated in it and I realized, that’s what makes these memories so much harder. I cannot kiss the top of his almost 7 year old head, I cannot wipe his knee when he gets hurt, I cannot hold him in an embrace before bed. I don’t know if he is safe, I don’t know what he looks like now, and I wouldn’t even recognize him in a crowd. The loss is so severe and so complete that you can’t find comfort as you would with a child who stayed and who you can still see and hold.
In those 5 and a half years, I have been a mother to 7 children since, biologically and through fostering, and not a day goes by where I don’t miss that little man. My husband and I can scarcely speak of him without getting choked up. My days of fostering may be over, but the imprint of those 8 souls we had the privilege to care for, whether for a short time or long, will mark me til my dying day. They have changed me, and the way I view the world.
If you’re considering opening your home, I want to encourage you with this: You don’t have to foster forever. You don’t have to commit your whole life to it. But even saying yes once could change that child’s life, and it WILL change your own.
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