Monthly Archives: March 2018

As Much— but Different

One fear I had going into Fostering was “what if I don’t love the children as much as my own biological children?” And then the follow-up was thinking, I suppose if I didn’t love them as much and they are only here temporarily, that’s not the end of the world, but what if I adopted and I didn’t love that child as much as my bios?

I read blogs, Facebook posts, and books where people always just said they loved their foster and adopted children as much as their bios. But, it still scared me. Okay, so those people love their kids as much, but what if I don’t? And frankly, no one can answer that question before they begin fostering or before they’ve adopted, and it may be on a case by case basis. You may have that “as much” love for one child and not another.

Last night, I had the opportunity to speak on a panel with a former foster youth who aged out of the system, a reunified parent, and I was representing foster parents during a training for new foster parents. As I was answering a question about the dynamic in our home between bios and fosters, I came to this realization, and voiced it: I love my foster child with the same intensity that I love my biological children. I often think that no one has ever loved their foster child as much as I love mine. But I would be lying if I said it was the same type of love. Before you judge me too harshly, let me give you an example.

I love my husband intensely. If the dial goes to a 10, I love him at an 11 (name that movie reference!). I also love my bio children, and I love them at an 11. But it’s a different type of love. Same goes for my parents. 11… but on a different dial. I love them all to the same intensity, but my love for each of them is a love that plays out differently. So, when I say I love my foster son just as much as I love my biological children, I don’t want to give you a false idea about how it may be for you, by leaving it as simple as that.

You will (hopefully!!!) love your foster child just as much as you love your bios, but don’t be surprised or feel guilty if that love is different. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe because I co-slept and nursed my bios, so there was that really early physical bonding. Maybe because they are a permanent fixture in my life and in our home. Maybe because I’m parenting with just their father, and not co-parenting with a stranger. I’m sure there are lots of components to the puzzle.

My encouragement to you today is this:

If you are considering foster care or adoption (yes, those are two very different categories!) and the fear of loving a stranger is holding you back, I’m here to encourage you, that it is very possible to love a child who is not from your body, just as much as you love your bio kids.

If you are currently loving on a foster or adoptive child, and you love them just as much, but it feels a different? That’s okay. I think it’s that way for a lot of us. It doesn’t mean you love them less— it’s just a little different.

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To the Boy Who Made Me a Mama

To the boy who taught me to trust in God’s timing… thank you. If we hadn’t gotten pregnant 3 months after we were married, and about 10 months before we planned on getting pregnant, we may have gotten too used to freedom before becoming parents and would long for it more now.

To the boy who taught me what long labor was… thank you. If your labor had been shorter than 34 hours, your sisters’ labors would have seemed intolerably long.

To the boy who taught me that love at first sight is real… thank you. This cynical, hard to get girl became a little more sensitive when I first laid eyes on you, fresh out of the womb.

To the boy who taught me how to be a 24 hour, around the clock nurser… thank you. I was so tired and so drained, but you showed me it was okay to sit for hours and breathe in every little detail of my baby boy. Little did I know that your first latch would start me on the 6 year, solid nursing journey I’ve been on since you were born.

To the boy who didn’t sleep… thank you. Your record was 23 wake ups in one night. You averaged around 12 wake ups per night for the first year of your life. You taught me patience, perseverance, and how long a mother can go with an incredibly big sleep debt. You also made it seem like your sisters’ 6 average wake ups a night were walks in the park.

To the boy who has always loved to help… thank you. You have your papa’s servant leader heart. Since you could push a step stool up to the kitchen sink, you’ve been eager to lighten my load.

To the boy who loves his younger siblings… thank you. Whether by blood or fostering, you have loved and cared for every child in this home. Asking to learn to change diapers, feeding bottles, playing games, protecting them, and pushing them on the tree swings are just some of the ways you show your love for them. I’m in awe of your selflessness.

To the boy who hates to be taught anything… thank you. You sometimes frustrate me with your know-it-all approach to your home education, but my goodness if you don’t send me to my knees before God to trust in His strength and not my own. And you shatter my pridefulness when you end up learning on your own anyways after my failed attempts to figure out how your brain works.

To the boy who loves Jesus… thank you. Your little voice in the back of the van on visit days saying “mama, can we listen to Dr. Sproul sermons?” is the accountability I need to stay spiritually fed. Your prayers, sometimes long and lofty, sometimes simple, always touch my heart. Your sensitivity to the things of the Lord make my heart leap with joy. I pray you will know and walk with Jesus your whole life.

To the boy who snuggles the best, can quote every line of all 3 Cars movies, loves to ride his bike, stands on a chair to reach the mail every day, puts pigtails in his sisters’ hair, sings lullabies to his foster brother, wants to be just like his daddy, adores his nana, and is a sensitive soul… thank you for making me a mother. I can’t imagine life without you. I’m so proud of you, little man. Happy 6th birthday, my darling boy. I love you. Right up to the moon… and back.

SPD Update and a Bit About Harness Gravidarum!

Howdy Y’all!

As promised, I wanted to share a bit more about the harness I have been wearing to get me through my 5th pregnancy with SPD! I am solidly in my second trimester, and by this point in my last pregnancy, I was needing a walker to get around, and spend most days laid up on the couch. I am happy to say that this time around, though I still deal with pain from overdoing it or in the evenings after a long day, I am thriving! I attribute this to two main things:

1. I took the longest break between my last pregnancy and this one and gave my body some time to recover! I have always gotten pregnant within a year of delivering my last baby. I was 7 months postpartum when I became pregnant with Mamitas, 11 months postpartum when I became pregnant with Ezra, and 4 months pregnant when I became pregnant with Peachy. This time, I took 23 months! My body had more time to recover. HOWEVER, due to my history, I could likely have waited 10 years, and would still suffer from SPD. Which is why, I was proactive and that leads us to our second change!

2. Before I became pregnant, Milkman and I had done our research on the Harness Gravidarum Maternity Support Belt, and I had it show up on my porch around the 10th week of my pregnancy. Right when those old clicky, loosey-goosey, shooting pain feelings came back! The harness literally holds my pelvis in place. There have been times where I have thought “Oh! I don’t need to bother with putting on the harness!” and an hour later of washing dishes, and I am a limping mess. I throw that harness on, and it buys me some times another few hours of on my feet time! I audibly sigh with relief each time I velcro the last belt tight!

I could go into more about the harness here, and I may later (Though likely, I’ll keep more of a running progress journal on my Instagram and Facebook accounts!), but today, I want to tell you about the people behind the brace. Why? Because they are a huge part of what makes this product not just work, but when you hear a bit about them, you’re probably going to feel all the better about giving them your business.

The product was developed and created by a married couple, Dafydd and Ruth Roberts. Ruth was the reason behind its production and is the heart behind the concept, and Dafydd is the problem solver and practical side of the harness’ conception. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sit down face to face with Ruth and Dafydd, because I am on the West Coast of the United States, and they are all the way over in Wales! But thanks to the wonders of modern technology, during naptime for me, and bed time for them, we got a chance to video call, and it was a pleasure– not just because of their amazing accents!

How the Idea Was Sprung:

Ruth had two pregnancies without SPD, and when she was pregnant with her 3rd, she began to experience pain her SP joint. This was several years back, the NHS supplied her with crutches and a little belt that helped very little. She delivered early, and that was that. Nearly a decade later, Ruth and Dafydd were expecting their first child together. Ruth felt that old pain, much earlier this time, knew exactly what it was, and was and got her crutches and semi-useless belt again. Dafydd admits, that he was skeptical about SPD. Coming from a farming background, he said he told his wife “I’ve never seen a sheep or a chicken limp in pain from pregnancy… and don’t all pregnant women complain?” Ruth was quick to set him straight, and he was quick to learn to keep those opinions to himself! Wise man…

As the pain worsened, they drove hours and paid out of pocket to try something called Spinal Touch Therapy. While it helped some, the pain relief did not last long, and after they attempted to do it at home, the relief became non-existent. Ruth became more debilitated, needing a wheelchair, and emotionally? Depressed. As is the case with so many suffering from SPD, she got to a point in pregnancy where she no longer was excited about the baby coming. She was depressed, she was overwhelmed, and she just wanted this baby out of her. She had to be hospitalized for rest, and felt detached from her baby. When she was home, she said it was hard, because not only did she have to rely on other adults in the family for support– she had to have her children assist her with the simplest of tasks.

Where Ruth felt helpless and hopeless, Dafydd was determined to find a solution, and he got to work. He grabbed a back scrubber and a pair of socks, slung in between her legs, placed the ball of socks up against her SP joint and hoisted her up. She felt relief. But, it wasn’t practical for Dafydd to follow her around with a back scrubber all day, holding her together. Luckily, Dafydd and Ruth own a clothing manufacturing business, so while Ruth was in the hospital, Dafydd was busy coming up with prototypes in the factory. By the end of the pregnancy, Dafydd had come up with a working model– but before they could perfect it with better material for the task, Ruth had to deliver by Caesarian Section, four weeks early. Her pelvis was such a mess, the doctors didn’t even bother risking a vaginal birth. Their sweet new baby, Harry, ended up in NICU, and Ruth had to do intensive therapy in the hospital to get mobile again. During this time, more developments of the harness took a back seat, though she was able to use the harness postpartum to get a little more support with becoming mobile.

It wasn’t until a while later that they got to work on the harness again. This time they decided to try out a better and more flexible fabric. They also got to work finding medical personnel to test the harness for safety and efficacy. With Dafydd’s business savvy and knowledge of manufacturing, along with Ruth’s heart, experience, and desire to help fellow mothers, it was a perfect balance for a great business model– and the rest, as they say, is history!

Dafydd and Ruth are currently working on finding ways to make the harness more affordable, as they understand what a real need there is to make this product available to more women. I find this so commendable. Many of us with SPD would pay nearly any price we could for relief, but for them to be sensitive to the monetary stress it would put on customers? That’s all heart.

Want to learn more about the Harness Gravidarum? Check them out on Facebook and head to their shop to check out the harness. Have questions? Dafydd is super responsive to messaging via their Facebook Page, and I would also be more than happy to answer any questions I can based on my own experience!

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